Chapter 9

I brushed my son's hair while his older brother played the ball with Remon. They are very happy because we are swimming today at a nearby farm resort.

"I really miss my mom," Cassianna said while looking at her Barbie doll. I smile bitterly. If only you knew I was your mother, and I'm just beside her.

I can't count how many times I have cried because of the words my children say.

I turned to face it and smiled. She closed her eyes when I caressed her hair. "If your mom is here now, what do you say to her?" I asked and she slowly opened her eyes. She pout and thought. Remeon's eyes when he gets used to it.

True, I was more than happy with Lessandro, comparing Cassianna to my only eye.

"I will tell you now." I smiled and nodded, removing the fugitive hair from her face, and she seemed to be ashamed of me now.

"Yes, let's act like I am your mom. Now go, say what you want." I leaned on her side and avoided her, so she could watch her smile in front of me now.

I need to be satisfied with what I'm getting right now. I wish if I were to take them back to Remon, they would be close to me and they would love me more than Dana. even though it seems impossible to yawn. I can't give up if this is the only way. I will fight until I run out.

"Okay Aunt. But don't tease me?" I nodded and watched him speak. preventing me from crying because I should have been his upbringing. I should have been the first to see him.

"I missed you so much. Go home; I want us to sleep. I also want to taste your baked mac every Sunday." Cassianna gently wipes away her tears. It hugged me and swallowed him in my chest.

It was as if my heart was pounding in pain. I shouldn't have asked him, because Dana was the only person he was talking about. That should be me, to cook and prepare their stuff every morning.

"Don't cry, okay? Your mom will go home too. Maybe she needs to rest. Let's give her some space that she needs." I smiled and I still caressed her hair.

Sometimes, I ask myself. If I deserve it all, how long do I accept and deny the pain I feel every day?

My son, but the wound would not heal if Remon was with me. Every time I saw him, my chest pain returned. The trauma he brought to my life

I thought all the wounds were good, but they weren't. I bleed myself, just because I want to take them back. But how do I know that the kids might not accept it? And Dana is still looking for them eventually.

I couldn't breathe now. I turned away from Cassianna and smiled at my son. Only me and Remon know that I'm their real mother.

"I have two kids too," I promised, and Cassianna looked at me. "But they are not with me, adult things." I rubbed her cheek and smiled.

"But if I am your mom, I will say that I missed you too. And when I get home, son, Mom will recover from you. even if it's not Sunday. I will cook and bake mac and sing some lullabies every night."

"I will show you how much I love you, I am sure. That's what your mom will tell you too." I got up and ran away from Cassianna. I can't control my tears now.

I went to the wall and went there. I looked at the sky. The rain was dark and it was dark. I don't want to go back to the farm. It is not because I run away from my children and will waste the opportunity. But for a few weeks, Dana was looking for them with open mouths.

I am having a hard time. I am fighting against uncertainty. So I can withdraw the kids. But the question is, will they be happy with me? Will they accept me as their mother?

I know Remon. She believes her own happiness is important and she can't admit she's wrong. If he can clean up and blame others, he does. I don't know how I fell into being that kind of person.

I thought back then that he was going to change. But when we became more closed, his brain was closed. I can't predict him. It is very difficult to know the way of the human mind as it is.

I walked to the bench and sat there, pulling out the cigarette I had everywhere. This is the only way to make me calm and exhale all of the nasty shits that I received for the whole day. I had to endure everything. Everything and words that hurt me.

All in all, Dana was all I heard every day. It's tormenting me. I want better days to come. But why am I having so much more fun in this situation?

"You smoke again." Remon took the lighter and walked away from me. I smirked and kidnapped the lighter back.

I simply said, "Leave me alone; I have no desire to lose you again." I blew the smoke. Maybe I act like I am strong. But I was also tired and hurt.

"Kids will see you smoking, Yhra." He tried to hold my hold but I turned it away.

"So what? I'm not their mom, aren't you? You can't even tell them the truth when you're banning me from what I want?" It sat down next to me and went.

"Yhra, it's been years and actually. I am willing to confess what is my mistakes. But it's hard."

"You're having a hard time because you still think you're right all the time." I turned to face him and smiled bitterly.

"Diba, even though you knew you were wrong when you found out that you didn't see that everything was just framed. Did you admit your mistakes? Are you sorry for what you did?"

"It's too late, Yhra." He tried to reach my hand, but I avoided it. Next time my tears flow now.

"There is nothing late to ask for forgiveness, keep that in your mind." I lowered my hand and took the cigarette out of my lips.

"You know Yhra, honestly. My feelings for you never changed." It stares at me now. He tried to reach my hand and I let it go.

"How did you say you really loved me then, say Remon?" I asked and he looked surprised on my question.

"For me, you didn't love me at all. How did I say that?" I took a deep breath and smile bitterly.

"You never sacrificed for our relationship before. You only have a relationship with us. So don't say you love me, and you still love me. Make sure you really love me then, before you let go of the word hard to stand."

"I was repeatedly brought to what you said to me before, loving you was the biggest mistake that I've done," I continued to look straight into his eyes.

"I wish I had reported to the police and I was joking when you first dropped my people. I know my mistakes, and hopefully. You too, you know the mistakes you made." I got up and walked away.

It was as if I couldn't stand it that I could handle everything, for my children. I have no place in their lives, for what else.